Not That Bad: Dispatches from Rape Culture edited by Roxane Gay
(format used for this read: audiobook)
When I finished listening to this book, I REALLY had to sit with it for a couple days before I reviewed it.
There were times I was listening and physically felt nauseous at the horrific and heartbreaking traumatic experiences that were shared.
There were times I was listening and cried hot tears of anger at the extreme levels of misogynist and toxic BS women have to navigate every damn day.
There were times I was so in the heaviness and trauma being spoken that I wasn’t quite sure I could continue on and finish it…. I just wanted to hurry up and get thru it.
There were times I had to hit the pause button and stop everything I was doing because I could relate to the words that were said so strongly and so deep in my soul that I had to just sit still and silent for a minute.
This was a very challenging and very emotional book to digest.
I had a lot of hidden away emotions and experiences bubble to the surface that I am still grappling with.
But I think the voices and stories told in these pages are SUCH important ones to hear.
And even though it was tough to do, I am grateful I absorbed every single word.
These stories are raw and vulnerable.
And these voices NEED TO BE LISTENED TO.
Here is the official summary of this book:
“Edited and with an introduction by Roxane Gay, the New York Times bestselling and deeply beloved author of Bad Feminist and Hunger, this anthology of first-person essays from writers including Gabrielle Union, Brandon Taylor, and Lyz Lenz tackles rape, assault, and harassment head-on.
In this valuable and revealing anthology, cultural critic and bestselling author Roxane Gay collects original and previously published pieces that address what it means to live in a world where women have to measure the harassment, violence, and aggression they face, and where they are “routinely second-guessed, blown off, discredited, denigrated, besmirched, belittled, patronized, mocked, shamed, gaslit, insulted, bullied” for speaking out. Contributions include essays from established and up-and-coming writers, performers, and critics, including actors Ally Sheedy and Gabrielle Union and writers Amy Jo Burns, Booker Prize-nominated Brandon Taylor, and Lyz Lenz.
Covering a wide range of topics and experiences, from an exploration of the rape epidemic embedded in the refugee crisis to first-person accounts of child molestation, this collection is often deeply personal and is always unflinchingly honest. Like Rebecca Solnit’s Men Explain Things to Me, Not That Bad will resonate with every reader, saying “something in totality that we cannot say alone.”
Searing and heartbreakingly candid, this provocative collection both reflects the world we live in and offers a call to arms insisting that “not that bad” must no longer be good enough.”
For those of you who have experienced any type of sexual abuse, assault or harassment, this book may be triggering for you…but I think at the same time it may also be helpful and even a little healing.
The sad part is I don’t think there is one woman alive who hasn’t experienced one of those things at some point in her life even if we think we haven’t….we have just gotten REAL good at convincing ourselves otherwise…telling ourselves that whatever we experienced was “not that bad.”
We tell ourselves that when we hear the sexually explicit catcalls about our bodies we hear from men as we walk down the street…
We tell ourselves that when our asses get groped over and over again without our consent on a crowded dance floor…
We tell ourselves that when we let our 8th grade boyfriend touch our breasts even though we didn’t want him to but felt like it was something we were “supposed” to do….
We tell ourselves that when one morning after drinking heavily at a party in college we realize we had sex with someone and can’t remember any details of how it happened.
Those things are “not that bad” we say.
Except that they ARE.
Rape culture just tries to convince us that they AREN’T.
And this isn’t just toxic and dangerous and harmful to women…men are damaged by this too. There are a few stories from the male voice included in this book as well.
This book shines a bright light on how our society, our loved ones, and our communities fail to protect and prevent damage to all women and men…and also how all those things continue to perpetuate it.
I had so many thoughts to process as I read that it would take me hours to write about them all here…and I don’t think my brain or my heart is really all the way done going thru them yet either.
What I want to do is just share a few quotes and thoughts I jotted down in my phone as I listened to the audiobook. Snippets that stood out to me, resonated with me, pierced my heart or hit me like a punch in the gut.
-I AM a body not I HAVE a body
-Why don’t we think “What do I think of HIM?” instead of “What does HE think of ME?”
-My body feels like a condition
-The extensive list of things we change in our daily behavior as women just to avoid harassment (bakeries we go to, routes we walk, stores we frequent, etc)
-“So many times my mind left my body…only to return to find it soiled”
-“What right do I have to be angry when I’m still alive”
-Sex out of obligation more often than sex out of desire
-“I was being had sex WITH…I was not HAVING sex” (when women’s pleasure is not seen as equal as her partners)
I don’t just think this is an important book for women to read……I think this is important for men to read too….
Actually, it may be even MORE important for men to hear these words.
I hate that this book even has to exist…but we live in a time when it most definitely does….and I hope that many people read and absorb what is said in it….and then much needed healing, restoration and CHANGE can FINALLY happen.