Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D.
Real talk: I have been trying to get myself to write this review for about an hour now.
As you can tell by the title, this book was quite an intimate and personal read for me….and I seriously was debating even writing a review for it AT ALL because I am not quite sure which of my thoughts to share (if any).
I generally have a VERY difficult time having true and honest conversations about sex….ESPECIALLY in regards to my own personal experiences and feelings about it.
I am a VERY outspoken person and can usually talk about ALL KINDS of intimate and personal things….but when it comes to sex, I generally get flustered, uncomfortable, and kinda weird.
But here I am.
About to share with yall anyways.
Fact is that I have a whole lot of unhealthy and restrictive baggage about my own sexual self that I am only JUST NOW starting to deal with and heal from….
And most of the reason I have all that baggage is because of the improper information the world has taught us about women’s bodies and sexuality.
So much of it has been thru a male gaze….so much of it has been scientifically incorrect….so much of it has been distorted thru media…so much of it is COMPLETELY misunderstood….
And leaves almost all of us HUGELY uninformed.
And makes almost of us feel inadequate, broken, “wrong” or “bad” at some point in our lives….
Or for ALL of our lives.
It shouldn’t be this way. The narrative needs to change. The information needs to be better. The conversations need to happen.
I really think we need to have soooooo many more open, honest, true and VULNERABLE discussions in regards to sexuality and human bodies…ESPECIALLY women’s.
This book is EXACTLY the kind of thing we need to see more of that happening.
Here is the official summary of what this book is all about:
“In the twentieth century, women’s sexuality was seen as ‘Men’s Sexuality Lite’: basically the same, but not quite as good. From genital response to sexual desire to orgasm, we just couldn’t understand that complicated, inconsistent, crazy-making ‘lady business’. That is, until Emily Nagoski changed the game with her New York Times bestseller ‘Come As You Are’. Using groundbreaking science and research, she reveals in this new and updated edition the secret truths behind maximixing sexual wellbeing, including:
-TURNING ON THE ONS, TURNING OFF THE OFFS: Your brain interprets sexual response as a series of gas and brake pedals. Too many women work to press the accelerator without understanding that first they need to let up on the brakes.
-TAKING CONTROL OF THE CONTEXT: Just as tickling can be fun in a positive context but irritating in a negative context, almost any sensation-especially a sexual response-requires positive context to make it a pleasurable one.
-RESPONSIVE DESIRE: Most of us expect sexual desire to be spontaneous and ‘out of the blue’, emerging in anticipation of pleasure, but it’s more common for desire to emerge in response to pleasure. Pleasure first, THEN desire.
Altogether, they prove that what makes a confident and joy-filled sex life is not what the parts are or how they’re organized, but how you FEEL about them. Stress, mood, trust, and body image are not peripheral factors in sexual wellbeing; they are central to it–and even if you don’t yet feel that way, you are already sexually whole.”
While I will share with you why I think this book is SUPER important reading, I am not going to dive too deep into all my internal baggage and issues in regards to sex and sexuality.
This is NOT the space for all of that 🤣
If we are close friends IRL though, and you read this book and want to have some real convos about all the hard things…I’m here anytime! We can share a bottle of wine and discuss it all together…we’ll laugh, we’ll cry, we’ll be raw and true and healing can begin together.
But here??
I’m just gonna give slight snippets of insight 🤣
I bought this book way back in October and I am only just now finishing it.
So many pieces of it hit me so hard….it had me feeling all kinds of emotions, confronting all kinds of traumas, and understanding all kinds of new truths.
It was A LOT, yall.
I sometimes had to put this book down for awhile before I started reading it again so I could really let myself process everything that was happening internally.
DEFINITELY was not a binge read kinda book.
Let me tell yall what….
I wish I would have had this book in my hands twenty years ago.
I wish I would have had this knowledge, wisdom and perspective when I was coming into my sexual self.
I wish all the other women I know had it too.
And honestly, the men as well.
(maybe even ESPECIALLY the men)
I first heard about this book while listening to Glennon Doyle’s podcast “We Can Do Hard Things”.
I adore this podcast, yall. It is FULL of so much goodness….and honestly some episodes have been fucking LIFE CHANGING for me….and for other people I know too. My husband listens to it as well and I can’t even begin to tell yall what it’s done for opening his eyes to issues that effect women…legit has SHOOKETH his world in the best way possible.
There are two episodes with the author of this book and they are just TREMENDOUS. Yall PLEASE go listen to them. ESPECIALLY if you are a woman. Seriously. You NEED TO HEAR THIS:
“Real, Joyful Sex with Emily Nagoski” :
“Answering your sex questions with Emily Nagoski”:
I have thought for YEARS something was “broken” or “wrong” with me sexually.
And I am not alone.
So so so so many other women I know say the same thing.
We may think it for different reasons—maybe it’s lower desire than our partners, maybe it’s difficulty in orgasming, maybe it’s feeling comfortable in our own skin–but almost all women I know and have had REAL and HONEST convos with about sex say the EXACT SAME THING.
This book has been HUUUUGGGEEEEEE in breaking those incorrect thoughts for me.
So many things I thought were just legit WRONG.
And the reason WHY I thought all the wrong things is because WE ARE NOT TAUGHT THE CORRECT THINGS.
Bottom line of why that is:
Patriarchy.
On every level.
In all the things.
Science. Entertainment. Religion. Education.
It seeps into ALL OF IT.
🤮😡🤮😡🤮😡
Lots of learning and processing happened for me as I read…. but I’ll share with yall just a few things that impacted me greatly.
The author explains the whole concept of spontaneous desire and responsive desire. Most couples who think one partner has “low desire” really doesn’t….they just have DIFFERENT TYPES of desire.
Basically, spontaneous desire appears in ANTICIPATION of pleasure ( just thinking of doing sexy things gets you going) and responsive desire emerges in RESPONSE to pleasure (you begin to want sex only AFTER sexy things are already happening)
When two partners have different types of desire, it’s easy to think one person has a “problem”. Both types of desire are normal and healthy…AND once you know what type you and your partner have, you can work WITH it, not against it.
This literally sparked a great discussion between me and my husband and created a new level of understanding that did not exist before.
Something else that was explained in the book was the concept of having sexual accelerators and brakes. Everyone has different things that totally get desire going and things that shut it down completely. Some people have very sensitive accelerators and some people have sensitive brakes….neither is right or wrong or good or bad. It’s just important to understand what yours ARE so you can tend to them as needed. (and also communicate with your partner so they can too)
I had no clue that I was making one of the biggest mistakes people make…trying to just push the accelerators when really it’s the brakes we need to be paying attention to…because THAT is what changes the course completely.
The author speaks a lot about body confidence and mindfulness too, which are BIG THINGS I am constantly trying to work on. How we FEEL about ourselves as a sexual being and how we feel IN our bodies during sexual encounters matters SO VERY MUCH.
This book had a GIANT impact on me…so much so that I am handing it to my husband to read (especially the parts I highlighted) to expand HIS understanding of women’s sexuality too.
The author has included not only scientific knowledge and research, but also personal stories from her clients and friends thru the years, in various types of relationships.
I will say this book *mostly* applies to cisgender women, both straight and gay.
The author includes a few “worksheet” type pages for you to really do some insightful work in your processing journey as you read along too.
If you are a woman…..ESPECIALLY if you are one who can relate to ANY LITTLE THING you have read here, PLEASE GET THIS BOOK.
It is deeply useful, fascinating and I think can bring SO MUCH freedom and understanding.
And if you are a man who has women in your life…PLEASE GET THIS BOOK TOO.
You need to understand all this too.